I've read a few blogs lately where relationships are shifting as a result of this huge weight loss we're all experiencing. I commented on one that it's kind of like when the Cold War ended and all of a sudden all hell broke loose in Eastern Europe.
For many of us, our weight was the Soviet Union, the #1 concern of our daily lives. We still functioned and worked and had friendships and vacations and took care of our families, but the general focus of many of our thoughts was weight, our frustration with it, the things we were missing out on because of it, etc.
As the weight falls away, the New World Order emerges and we begin to focus on other areas of our lives (Czechoslovakia and Yugoslavia, I'm looking at you!). That's when we realize that resolving the BIG ISSUE doesn't magically solve the other problems in our lives, including relationship problems that may have been lurking under the surface.
Most of us have read or heard from our surgeons that divorce rates are higher for WLS patients. Sometimes it's because the patient decides s/he *can* do better and doesn't have to spend the rest of her life in a bad situation, sometimes it's because the spouse can't cope with the massive change. Sometimes the patient goes crazy and wants to have the 20s she never had, drinking and partying and flirting.
Every relationship has its ups and downs. If your relationships is rock-solid before you lose weight, you'll be even better afterward because you'll be happier which will make your partner happier. On the other side, if cracks are showing they could easily turn into fault lines.
Now, don't go thinking I'm divorcing my husband and running off with the mailman. We've been married for nine years and we love each other. No relationship is perfect, but I don't see any major problems arising from my weight loss. I wonder sometimes how it might affect us, though. Pretty sure the Hubs is hoping it means he scores more often.
I do think this is important enough to discuss here, though. That's why I'm writing about it today, and I want to hear what you all think about it.
Have you run into this? Does it concern you? If you have experienced this, what did you do to shore up your relationship?
When I was speaking with my fabulous psychiatrist before my surgery, she let me know to be prepared for this possibility. She and I spoke a long time about my marriage and she felt that we had a strong relationship, but she did say how it is VERY common for those who have had WLS to stray from their marriage at some point. Be it from the new amount of attention they recived from men (other than their husbands) or from resentment from an insecure spouse who feels left out in the process, thus alienating the wife to search for an emotional attachement elsewhere. Many men feel that once thier wife gets skinny they will move on, so they either begin to try and sabotage their wife or find otherways to control her, thus alienating her further. Way to go guys!
ReplyDeleteShe said that emotional affairs are quite common and that for some, the new found "freedom" and a heightened sense of self and sexuality leads to many women making poor decisions. It can also be associated with addiction transference, where women who were previously addicted to food and who don't properly learn to deal with the addiction, will then find themselves in a sexual addiction. Addicted to recieving the attention from more men/women and needing to feed their sense of self worth that is so closely tied to their physical appearance.
Does this concern me? Not really. My husband and I have a good relationship and he is very supportive of me. I'm a natural flirt and it's not that I am just a huge ho-bag who is an attention seeker, but rather it is just a part of my personality. I've always liked to make people feel good about themselves and who doesn't enjoy being flrted with? Does it mean that when I have dropped another 70 lbs, I will begin moving beyond that and start sleeping with other random men? No, because I know my limits and respect the boundaries established when I got married. yes, I will feel better about how I look, but the only man whose opinion I really care about sleeps next to me every night :)
Since my husband and I are both going through the banding process, this is something we've discussed a lot. I was "lighter" when we met and have gained the weight over the years that I've known him so I don't think it will affect my feelings one way or another. My husband, however, has always been heavy so if anyone's gonna go "buck wild" when they lose weight, it's him. I think it's easier though if you go through the weight loss together because you grow (figuratively of course) together too.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great suggestion. Just gave me something to post about as my brain has been pretty dried up for the last few days. Have some thinking to do.
ReplyDeleteThis has been something I've worried about even pre-surgery. I love my husband more than I ever thought possible and I know that he loves me. BUT the me he fell in love with was me at about the weight I am now. I think it is the primary reason I am struggling to get past the 250 mark. I am afraid that he won't love me as much even thought he swears he will.
ReplyDeleteSince we do have a mutual goal (having kids together) he does have a vested interest in my success. That helps a lot because even though we're both unsure of how things will change within our marriage as a results of the weight loss, we do know that we are shooting for the same star!! :)
Interesting post. You're making my brain think.
ReplyDelete*MORE interesting: my verification word was "verve"! Weird!!*
Prior to my surgery I was chatting with a group of women about WLS. The comment was made about how many people they knew who had WLS ended up divorced. It seemed everyone had a story to share. I think the conversation was a bit extreme. I believe if you have a happy and healthy relationship prior to the surgery, the surgery will do little to change things. Wonderful post and is good food for thought. I've been married 21 years (today is our anniversary) and I'm too old to change. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post! Lots to think about.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I have been together thru thick and thin (literally). Both of us were thinner when we met and we've gained and lost weight throughout the marriage. Things didn't really change so I'm hoping nothing will change this time.
ReplyDeletewell as i posted, i am at a crossroads in my relationship...the difference is that it was on it's out before me being banded so i really don't believe that me losing weight has anything to do with it. especially since i haven't noticed any more attention from others! :-) plus i already lived my 20's to their FULLEST lol
ReplyDeleteGreat topic. I can see how everything you and the doctors talk about happening can happen. Personally, since I was thin when hubby and I met, and gained the weight (for the umpteenth time in my life) over the past 5 years, for me I feel like I'm just returning to the "me" I promised him I'd be. I have no fears about the relationship changing due to the weight loss...because we've already been together through both scenarios.
ReplyDeleteCindy, I'm right with you - I feel like I'm getting back to the woman my husband married rather than this big, tired, irritable wife he has now.
ReplyDeleteHi Kristin-just wanted to let you know I corrected the spelling of your name in the one spot in my post that I missed. I always get the two Kristin/Kristen mixed up and my BFF daughter is Krystin. OY! Thanks for making me think. I was starting to think I had nothing left to blog about. And by the way, those rings are what keep you together some days. Other days it is easy-peasy so just keep on trying. Sort of like losing weight. We just keep working at it.
ReplyDeleteYou really got me thinking .. so much so that I too am going to write a post about your post
ReplyDeleteI hope I burned some calories with all the thinking today
I'm not sure about believing statistics. While I can't comment about the band or WLS surgery divorce rates and such, my husband is in the correctional profession and when he went through training they told him the divorce rate was 90%. 90 effing percent. That is not good. However, I never even flinched. That number meant nothing to me and never has. Meanwhile - I see they were right. Almost none of the people he started with 10 years ago are still married. I can't explain it....but I don't believe a good foundation was there to begin with and the slightest stress or hardship (working in a prison) caused it to crack and no one bothered to repair it until it was too late. The fact that you are thinking about this means you're building a strong foundation and aware of what may happen instead of living with your head in the sand. As easily as things could go bad - they could just as easily get better and the love grow stronger too right? Try to focus on that........love you!
ReplyDeleteKristin...you hit the nail on the head and a seriously thought provoking post...think I want to digest and then post about it.
ReplyDeleteNice post. Thankfully, I have a very solid relationship with my husband. I think it can only get better!
ReplyDeleteExcellent post. I was never told about this so perhaps these are US stats. I put on th weight after I met my hubby and he is heavier and balder than when we married so I know that our relationship is rock solid...we have been through too much. In fact I love him more today than when we married and I know our relationship is better because I no longer opbsess about my weight...I want to do stuff and am happy to go out. I never say how fat I feel anymore and he is happier knowing I am happy...hence why I am coming to Chicago....great topic
ReplyDeleteLike Girl Bandit, these stats weren't mentioned here either when I was seeking out the band. I can see how losing such a huge amount of weight might change a relationship, esp in those as you mentioned, that had cracks to begin with.
ReplyDeleteWhile sometimes MOTH makes a crack about me 'running off' with someone else now I'm skinny again.. I could never see myself doing it. I know what I have and I'm not about to jeopardize 20 plus years of marriage. On the flip side, he is a one woman guy and feels the same. We take these strides together. Really, really good post, Kristin.
You are such a great writer you could write a colume for a mag! I too was never told to divorce rate was so high...In my camp I am newly married just 1 year and newly banded.. I am kinda seeing it as a part of starting our married life and looking forward to the future.. I will post more on my blog about it later but I have to say it makes failure not an option for me...which is a lot of pressure!
ReplyDeleteGreat post!!!!! No changes here, it is more like going back to our younger days, when I was the reasonably attractive and shapely girlfriend/wife. Like you, I feel like I am getting back to the woman DH married. And pretty sure he is hoping he scores more too! ;)
ReplyDeleteGreat posting! The last time I saw my weight-loss surgeon, he peppered me with all kinds of questions about my marriage and how it was holding up. At first I thought the guy was hitting on me, but then he explained exactly what you said, that with WLS patients, relationships often go awry, for a whole plethora of reasons.
ReplyDeleteI'm lucky...my relationship with my husband is unique from many other relationships, but we are rock-solid, and have been throughout this journey. He's been incredibly supportive and wonderful. I wouldn't be as successful as I have been (nearly 80 pounds lost so far!) if it weren't for him.
It's so nice to meet some other gastric-banders! I just stumbled across your kind of blog-ring. I'll definitely be visiting again! In the meantime, perhaps you would like to visit my blog! www.phoenixrevolution.net
Cheers!
Christine
excellent post!
ReplyDeleteThis is a great post. Although I believe the numbers, I think staying in a committed relationship takes work and effort regardless of the fat/skinny issue. I had a long talk with my husband about the surgery and the potential changes in my body and in my overall well-being. I, like many of you, was smaller when we met and I want to get back to that women he fell in love with and I want to feel more confident on his arm.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! I got my Band on to enhance my life further... my husband also enhances my life. We've been married 15 years and together 19 years and we have been through alot together. I know losing this weight is good for my health but it will also enhance my already amazing marriage since I've been held back from really enjoying the adventures we've been on together... He and I both love to travel and see nature... So being morbidly obese and sometimes kept to a wheelchair has not been very great for hiking, climbing, horseback riding, etc.. I love him so much and enjoy every moment we have together so getting healthy will give me so many more moments in our already too short life togehter. Now our til death do us part is paused... and we have alot more tomorrows! He's in love with all of me, no matter how large or small that all is. We all deserve a great love. So if someone "settled" and didn't find it yet then they should get divorced and keep looking. Thus the statistics you speak of... Very thought provoking! *Maria*
ReplyDeletegreat post!! No changes here, but I met my hubby when I was 155lbs or so and then gained the weight, and had my fun before I met my husband. I think losing the weight has made my husband think he has a hot new girlfriend :)
ReplyDeleteMy hubby and I have been together throughout my weightloss roller coaster, I have lost a substantial amount of weight on several diets, only to gradually gain it back. Guess what? He loved me throughout the gains and losses. My then I am 50/he is 60. I think we are too old now for the wild side :)
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