Well, my behavior hasn't be geared toward success lately. More like the old self-destructive patterns. I am an emotional eater, as soon as I get upset or worried or anxious I start craving less-than-healthy food. And for the last three or four days, I've been mostly indulging those cravings.
For the first four weeks, when my band was new and I was terrified of hurting my recovery, I did not have a single thing I wasn't supposed to have. Followed instructions to the letter. And of course I lost weight.
I know everyone is telling me to wait for the fill, and believe me, I am waiiiiting and waiiiiting. But I'm concerned about these habits. How do I teach myself to find other ways to deal with difficult situations or emotional periods?
When I was in my mid-20s I started taking phen-fen. GREAT stuff. When fenfluramine was taken off the market (like two weeks after I started it), my doctor kept me on the phentermine. Let me tell you, that drug is like MAGIC. While I took the phentermine, over about 9 months I lost 75 pounds, started running, and eventually ran a marathon. I never got *skinny* - my lowest weight was about 165ish and I'm only 5'4" on a tall day. But at that weight I looked good, I felt great and my newfound confidence was reflected in every area of my life.
I had a ton of energy, I was happy and best of all, I wasn't interested in food. I remember sitting at a restaurant with friends, glancing at the menu and ordering salad without feeling like I was depriving myself.
And I stopped and thought, "This must be what it's like to be normal." Not thinking about food, not beating myself up for eating bad things, making bad choices, constantly returning myself to the circumstances that made me so unhappy and kept me from doing the things I wanted to do in my life.
That's what I'm hoping the band will do for me, particularly as I start getting fills. I want to think of food like normal people do - as fuel, as a way to share good times with family and friends. But not as a controlling factor in my life. I know I need to do my part, but right now I'm doing a crappy, crappy job.
It just takes time, I would love to tell you that with your first feel you will be at restriction and feeling no hunger but that is not how it works for most people. Even with restriction we all fight the emotional eating and head hunger. I think that really just takes time, and I can tell you that at almost 4 months post-op it hasn't been enough time for me. I still fight head hunger,cravings and emotional eating. But I look at it like this, it took me a long time to get here, I don't expect it to go away overnight...even if I want it to. You will get there, just try and take it one meal at a time and try and make the better choice at each meal. You can do this!!!
ReplyDeleteFirst fill, not feel..sorry!
ReplyDeleteHey Kristin as you have stated the fill is coming. and what a good fill will do for you is to not allow you to overstuff yourself but it will not fix those emotional eating urges.
ReplyDeleteNow is the perfect time to make those emotion mind connections (you know when you feel like the tasmanian devil whirling through the kitchen and wanting to grab every thing in sight" ). It's really a period of self discovery.. and look at the specific events that are causing that trigger for eating.. because they are not going to go away. The next thing is to say ok I am going to have three conscious planned approached for when they come on.. 1. have a pre selected go to food 2. a pre selected activity or 3. I am going to allow my self to give in..
You have given your self choices.. and the question is will you always fall to number 3 as an unonsciuos decision or will number 3 happen as a conscious decision. This starts to develop your "I am in control" power position. Are you going to let your emotions drive your decisions or your mind.. Believe me once you get into your different fills, food will become more and more of a non issue.. but you will probably not be at that sweet spot for a few fills so this a good time to practice this skill set. Don't think of this as self destruction but as SELF CONSTRUCTION.. You are the builder and you own the blue prints.. be well.. come on down and help me shovel.. the wind drifts are killin me..
I agree with Barbara. This is about understanding your mind AND your body. I'm also learning, and forgetting, and re-learning, to be gentle with myself and not beat myself up over weight.
ReplyDeleteI think the girls above said it all. 8 months down the track I still don't have it perfectly nailed down but I can tell you, Kristin, that it does get a little better each day.
ReplyDeleteIf I have a day or two where I graze and feel I've eaten badly, for some reason I pull myself up the next morning and get back on track. I am hoping this is something that continues. But for you - I really feel the very fact you recognise what you are doing is half the battle and you can move towards less of the emotional eating. It really is.. so kudos for that to begin with. xxx
It does get better every day. I know the second month was the hardest for me. I still had to deal with emotional eating, and it was hard. But I did some major thinking about my issues, and it was really an important time of growth.
ReplyDeleteI know just how you feel about the fen-fen feelings. I never took that drug, but when I first started taking Wellbutrin, it had the same effect for me. I was losing weight and not interested in food, and I thought "this is heaven. This is how normal people must feel." Alas, after a few months this effect wore off....
But, for me, the band has brought me the feeling of "normal" - way better than the Wellbutrin. You will get there and you will LOVE it.
Try to "be present" for your emotional eating - acknowledge it, but do not beat yourself up about it. Try to learn from it. Try to avoid the diet mentality of "bad" foods = "bad" person. Just view it as a time to understand.
I am rooting for you!
Kristin, hugs to you. Remember: the band will level the playing field for you... so you won't be SO hungry eventually and will be able to deal with the emotions in new ways of your choice. I am glad to see you at the same point as me (not glad you're struggling) but to see that a person who will so OBVIOUSLY be successful is going through the same stuff as I am. The same stuff that makes me doubt my own success.
ReplyDeleteSo: my best advice, look back the blogs of other successful bandsters-- they have all been there, right where we are now!! It is great we're present in the process and participating. We would have to try hard to overcome the band and fail. While it isn't a 'slam dunk' if you're willing to put in the effort-- the band will make things much easier for both of us over time.
I hope I am making sense, b/c I've mixed talking about you and then talking about me and then both of us... b/c we are so related in our journeys!!
Oh Kristin-sending you a big hug. Can you feel it? I remember Fen-Fen. I marvelled at not thinking about eating all the time. But alas, the effects were temporary and once the drug was gone, the weight came back. I am hoping the band will again help me get through those tough times, like when I eat 2 dozen home made cookies, or 3 chocolate bars, or an entire cake. I do know that at least the band is permanent, whereas the drugs had to end sometime.
ReplyDeleteWe are all out here listening so whenever you want to dump or whine, we'll not make any judgements, because most of us feel the same way at some point.
Hi Kristin,
ReplyDeleteI'm beyond NEW to the band blog community, but am so glad there are people out there like you, dishing about the realities of living with a band.
I'm in the insurance phase right now, but I don't want to have any illusions about what the band is going to do for me, or NOT do for me.
I, too, am an emotional eater & my fear is that it'll do NOTHING. I know that's not likely, b/c the volume in itself will cause me to shift my habits. However, when the Dove dark chocolate calls my name & doesn't fill up my pouch... what then???
Thanks for being honest & putting it all out there. And thanks to the other ladies & their insight. You guys rock!!! :)
Blessings,
Robin
P.S. My super-secret band blog is at http://canadianband.blogspot.com
I haven't shared my journey with more than a couple of friends so far, so I'm so glad I found you ladies to glean wisdom from!
Oops... forgot to make it active:
ReplyDeleteBand on the Run
my dear I'm gonna echo more of the same...it just takes time for everything to click together. This will probably be the hardest part of the journey but have faith in the process and in yourself and it WILL pay off. On days when I wanted to just throw the towel in and have that cookie I kept looking at the picture of myself on the fridge and that was enough for me to put it down. Try a bunch of things and you will find the one that keeps you grounded !!
ReplyDeleteI know how difficult it is to say no at times so if you need the extra support email me and I'll give u my cell number and you can call when you need an extra push !!!