The Fill Works - But Not Quite Enough

The good news is, I do seem to stay full longer with this 4 cc fill. Food actually leaves my mind for a while after I eat! Crazy.

The bad news is, I was still able to eat a pretty big dinner last night at a restaurant.

(This Valentine dinner was a preplanned girls' night out - our husbands were on childcare duty. The three of us were the only non-couple table in the entire restaurant.)

Anyway, I was able to eat one roasted (moist) shrimp, two medium-size scallops and a pretty decent size piece of sea bass with quinoa and sweet pea risotto. Oh, um, and flourless chocolate cake with a small scoop of raspberry sorbet.

Good news: I put my fork down after every bite, concentrated on talking rather than eating. Bad news: I drank water (and a glass of sangria - yum) with dinner, which I never do normally.

I don't actually feel terribly guilty about any of this, so this isn't a 'confession,' really. I've done well since the fill last week and the scale is moving in the right direction and I know I will continue to make good choices. But I do think my ability to eat that much at dinner means I'll be ready for another fill when I go back to my surgeon on March 2nd.

Mysteries of the Scale

I stepped on the scale this morning and it said I lost three pounds?! I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm delighted. It's kind of funny, though, how I blame any overnight gain on water retention, but never attribute crazy losses to dehydration.

Whatever. I'm counting it.

(I'm actually logging a 2.5 pound loss, because I stepped on and off the scale about 17 times and at the end it was consistently showing a 2.5 pound loss rather than three pounds. )

THIRTY (30) POUNDS!

FINALLY! The fill (and post-fill liquid diet) put me over the edge and I dropped the half pound I've been holding onto for the last 11 days. So 30 pounds down since my first surgical consult in October, and 17 pounds down since my surgery on Jan. 4th. YAY!!

On the band front, so far the fill is fine but it's hard to tell since I'm only on liquids. The real test will be Sunday when I go back to solids.

I have to take my baby for her 9-month checkup this morning, which means: shots. I swear they're worse for me than they are for her, though you'd never know it to hear her scream. The worst part is when she looks at me like, "How could you let them do this to me?" Such a sense of betrayal.

I realize that sounds dramatic, and before I had kids when I heard people say things like that I thought they were completely ridiculous. Now I am that ridiculous person.

Have a great weekend and Happy Valentine's Day to the Sisterhood! I heart you all.

Fill 'Er Up

I have 4 cc's in my 10 cc band! My surgeon mentioned at my post-op visit that he usually gives 1.5 to 2 cc's for the first fill and I was none too happy about that. When I went in this morning, I asked for four and to my complete surprise, he gave it to me.

Please God don't let me be foaming at the mouth an hour from now...

**UPDATE**
I'm on liquids through Saturday, and the protein shake I had this morning went down fine. I just had 1/2c of turkey chili that I thinned out with some chicken stock and blended - delicious and filling. I may still make a two-week appointment just in case (thanks Gen for the suggestion). But I'm sure I'll be a bit more restricted now, even if it's not the sweet spot yet.

Photos, Photos Everywhere

We had a snow day today! Here's a shot of our backyard.

The good news is, I was so busy keeping the kids occupied that I had little time to eat. We had fun most of the time but if we have another snow day tomorrow I'm toast. I used all my good ideas today. I could never be a camp counselor.

Unrelated to anything much, I was downloading photos and found one of myself at close to my lowest weight, about 165. This is also before I had children. And it's from 10 years ago. In other words, I couldn't use it on a dating website at this point in my life.

Here's one from the fall, when I was going through the pre-op process. I was at my highest weight here, almost 100 pounds more than in the old photo. Kind of appropriate that there's a big ol' container of fries in front of me.

So. That's depressing. There is much work to be done. Tomorrow is my fill, if I can make it to the 8 am appointment.

I hope you're all warm and dry!

New Jeans and Question of the Day

I'm wearing new jeans! SMALLER jeans. Which is a really nice NSV, particularly since the scale is not moving. I can't legitimately complain about that, though - I know full well why the scale is not moving. And by that I mean I can officially eat a quarter pounder with fries.

So the waistband on the jeans got a teeeny bit tight after lunch. Serves me right. FOR SHAME.

In the good news department, my fill has been moved to first thing Thursday morning, and I've revamped the childcare arrangements since there's no chance in hell the Hubs will be able to fly home Wednesday night as planned. New York City schools are canceled tomorrow already, for only the third time in eight years. Yikes.

The good news is, I've got milk, eggs and numerous child-oriented videos. We have a list of projects (the kids' school valentines, cleaning bedrooms, packing away clothes they've grown out of, etc.) that will keep us fairly busy, along with shoveling and spending two hours dressing them in snow gear so they can go outside for 90 seconds before deciding it's just too cold.

For everyone getting this storm - Stay warm and enjoy as much of it as you can!

Question of the Day: How many cc's did your surgeon give you for your first fill, and how many cc's did it take till you felt good restriction, or at your sweet spot? (I have a 10cc band.)

Snow on the Horizon

My fill is supposed to be Wednesday morning, at the hospital with a barium swallow. Unfortunately, we are supposed to get a boatload of snow Tuesday night into Wednesday morning, which is going to completely mess up my carefully-calibrated childcare arrangements.

I have a call in to the doctor to see what my options are. Stay tuned...

TOUCHDOWN!

OK, so it wasn't a low-cal day. But I followed my plan, ate lots of raw veggies, had a taste of the other things, and all in all I'm happy with the way the Super Bowl eating went.

I didn't have a horse in this race, but GO SAINTS! New Orleans deserves some good, unfiltered joy. Congratulations!

Self-Destructive Habits

Well, my behavior hasn't be geared toward success lately. More like the old self-destructive patterns. I am an emotional eater, as soon as I get upset or worried or anxious I start craving less-than-healthy food. And for the last three or four days, I've been mostly indulging those cravings.

For the first four weeks, when my band was new and I was terrified of hurting my recovery, I did not have a single thing I wasn't supposed to have. Followed instructions to the letter. And of course I lost weight.

I know everyone is telling me to wait for the fill, and believe me, I am waiiiiting and waiiiiting. But I'm concerned about these habits. How do I teach myself to find other ways to deal with difficult situations or emotional periods?

When I was in my mid-20s I started taking phen-fen. GREAT stuff. When fenfluramine was taken off the market (like two weeks after I started it), my doctor kept me on the phentermine. Let me tell you, that drug is like MAGIC. While I took the phentermine, over about 9 months I lost 75 pounds, started running, and eventually ran a marathon. I never got *skinny* - my lowest weight was about 165ish and I'm only 5'4" on a tall day. But at that weight I looked good, I felt great and my newfound confidence was reflected in every area of my life.

I had a ton of energy, I was happy and best of all, I wasn't interested in food. I remember sitting at a restaurant with friends, glancing at the menu and ordering salad without feeling like I was depriving myself.

And I stopped and thought, "This must be what it's like to be normal." Not thinking about food, not beating myself up for eating bad things, making bad choices, constantly returning myself to the circumstances that made me so unhappy and kept me from doing the things I wanted to do in my life.

That's what I'm hoping the band will do for me, particularly as I start getting fills. I want to think of food like normal people do - as fuel, as a way to share good times with family and friends. But not as a controlling factor in my life. I know I need to do my part, but right now I'm doing a crappy, crappy job.

Carrot Sticks, Meet Gridiron

I'm at the 'one step back' part of the two steps forward progression scale of banding. It happens, and from what so many of you tell me, it's not unusual as I wait to get to a good restriction. In the meantime, I'm trying to minimize the damage and talk myself down from the frustration and disappointment of not melting fast enough. Battling hunger and cravings all day long is mentally exhausting. Blech.

I've been worst at night lately, snacking and eating things that aren't doing much for me. Last night actually wasn't bad, probably because I went to a talk about raising boys, how they learn differently than girls, etc. I was out and busy for most of the evening. When I got home I had the munchies but I satisfied the urge with a slice of turkey and a slice of American cheese.

However. This Sunday will present a teeeeeny challenge for me and, I suspect, for many of us.

I'm not into football, but people go to Super Bowl parties the way agnostics flock to church on Easter Sunday. And I'll be joining the crowd. I'm bringing a delicious hot crab dip (with cream cheese, cheddar cheese and sour cream), Rice Krispie treats and brownies. The hostess is making wings and there will be a million people, all of whom will bring something or other.

Strategies: Try to load up on bulky raw vegetables before eating anything else. No drinking while eating and no caloric beverages (there won't be any wine or beer; one of the hosts is in AA).

What are your plans for the Super Bowl? Are you just going to eat what you want for that one day, or are you sticking with the rules of the band?