Clear Liquids All Day

Today is THE LAST DAY (dunh dunh dunh). I'm on clear liquids all day, which I've never had to do before. Better get used to it, though. I just pulled out the case of Isopure I ordered a few weeks ago, and I'll be cracking one of those open in a few minutes. I may take my baby to the mall so we can walk around and not be home near the kitchen, if there's time.

My goals for the day: Stick to the clear liquids (which won't be too hard, as the surgery is first thing tomorrow and I really don't want to mess anything up); get the kids and house ready for my absence tomorrow and recovery next week; make sure I'm really hydrated and, um, going into the surgery with a clear digestive system. I shaved my legs this morning to make sure I don't have any open nicks when I'm at the germ-filled hospital. I'm picking out something comfy to wear, and making a list of previous surgeries for the anesthesiologist.

THANK YOU to everyone for your kindness and encouragement. My family has been very supportive but I think they're kind of nervous and not sure about this. Reading your blogs and hearing about your successes has given me a lot to think about and look forward to. Best to all of you as everyone goes back to work, school and regular routines tomorrow.

Dreaming Dreams

I had a vivid, vivid dream last night that I was saying goodbye to an old friend, someone I really cared about and would miss terribly. (I swear I'm not making this up.) I was incredibly sad during the whole dream, trying to stay a little longer. I felt a heavy sadness in my chest.

Jeesh, I wonder what that's all about?

{I was going to link to Susan Boyle's "I Dreamed a Dream" here - so clever! - but couldn't figure out how to do it.}

In other news, I got a Cuisinart hand blender for Christmas. Very handy, easy to clean, even blends ice well. I can recommend it as a good bandster tool. In fact, I'm enjoying a frothy chocolate shake right now.

Just today and tomorrow, then on to surgery. I mentioned last night to the boys that I was going to the hospital Monday so the doctor could fix something in my tummy that would help me be healthier. They couldn't have been less interested, which was a relief. I didn't want to get into great detail with them about it.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Well, here we are in a new year and new decade. My kids were a little confused by all the fuss, as they woke up and everything seemed pretty much the same as yesterday.

I was paging through this week's People magazine this morning, with the usual New Year's Half Their Size! - without pills or surgery! feature. I truly admire what the people in the magazine have accomplished. It's huge, and it's something I have not been able to maintain in my life.

But it's amazing to me how much people consider surgery to be a copout, or the easy way out. Anyone who's ever gone through the battery of doctor's appointments, tests and insurance company hoops, and then faced general anesthesia, recovery, weeks of liquids and mushies and a whole new lifestyle knows the surgery route is no walk in the park.

Bottom line: I would love to have been one of the people who lost a lot of weight and kept it off through sheer willpower and discipline. I've lost 75 pounds once and 50 pounds once and gained it all back plus some bonus pounds. It took some courage to admit to myself that I can't do this alone. I don't feel like I'm taking the easy way out. I feel like I'm taking the only way out.

Goodbye 2009!

I can't say this has been a terrible year for me, as it was for so many people, because our daughter was born in May and she is a joy to all of us (even her brothers). But my hormones always go nutty after having a baby, so getting myself back on an even keel was key. And making the decision to have this surgery put me into a positive, hopeful state of mind.

So, yesterday was a godawful pre-op diet day. I won't go into the ugly details other than to say I better get my ass in gear for the last few days. It'll be super awkward if my surgeon goes in and my liver stretches to my knees.

I am still struggling with a final goal weight, so I will ask all of you: How did you determine your goal? Did your doctor give you a number, or did you have one in mind?

Have a safe, fun New Year's Eve. I expect I'll be in bed by 10 pm. So ring it in with a little extra enthusiasm for me!

All Clear

My surgeon's office called a little while ago. My pre-op test results were fine. I have to report to the hospital at 6.15 on Monday morning, nothing by mouth after midnight and clear liquids all day Sunday.

I am feeling calmer today about the changes ahead, thanks to reassurances from Vanessa and Nicole, and from the positive things I read on everyone's blogs.

Tonight we're going to dinner with some old friends who are in town for the holidays. They picked the place, and when I tried to check out the menu to see what I could order, I found: "There are no menus at [restaurant]. Instead, guests are presented with a list of over a hundred ingredients, updated daily, which contains the best offerings from the field and market."

So that'll be an adventure.

Minor Freak-Out Happening

I had my pre-op chest x-ray and bloodwork today. And I'm kind of freaking out about the changes ahead. I've been thinking about having this surgery on and off for four years, and seriously pursuing it for a few months. But now that it's less than a week away, I'm starting to mentally go through all the things I won't be able to eat. It makes me sad and, oddly, a little panicky.

I know this isn't all that unusual, and I've had moments here and there along the way but today it seems more extreme.

Big deep breath. This will be a change for the better in my life. Much better. Right?

Setting Goals

Whew - thank goodness Christmas is over! Cookies, cookies everywhere. They are mostly gone, and I didn't eat all of them so I'm going to call it a victory and move on. The scale this morning said 253.5 but I think that may go up with the usual hormonal shifts.

I'm at T-minus one week until surgery. I've been reading lots of blogs - it's so, so helpful to read your stories and updates. Thank you for being so forthcoming.

Two non-scale victories I'm looking forward to:
Being free of foot pain.
Being able to wear my engagement ring again.

I'm not sure what my ultimate goal is. The charts say 130ish, although it varies from 117 to 134. Honestly, I just can't imagine myself weighing 130 pounds. That seems like an unattainable goal. So we'll have to see about that.

How did you come up with your ultimate goal weight?

Waiting for surgery day

My surgery is scheduled for January 4th. I am supposed to try to lose some weight before then, so my liver will be smaller for the surgery (the surgeon has to move the liver to get to the stomach). This isn't entirely easy with Christmas around the corner, but it hasn't been as bad as I feared. This morning I weighed 256.5, 10 pounds lower than my highest weight.

I am Slim-Fasting for breakfast, trying to avoid too much bread and snacking.

I've been spending a lot of time reading blogs and watching YouTube videos of people documenting their experiences and weight loss with the band. It's interesting - I am by nature a pessimist. But I have never felt more hopeful about the possibilities ahead than I do now. I am SO READY for this, so ready to feel better and have more energy and look better and shop in regular stores and not feel awkward and self-conscious all the time.

New Year's Day marks the start of a new decade. My life on the cusp of 2000 was wildly different than it is now -- I was a single journalist living in New York City and had just started dating the guy who would be my husband. I was almost 100 pounds thinner, running regularly. The Sept. 11 terrorist attacks hadn't happened yet. It was a different world.

Most of this decade has been devoted to building our family. My husband and I married in 2001 and had our first son 10 months later. Talk about the shock of a lifetime! Motherhood wasn't a smooth or easy transition for me, but now I am in it whole hog. And there's nowhere else I'd rather be.

We have three children now, all blessedly healthy. I am ready to nurture myself so that I can continue to nurture them.

Big Decisions

I ditched the blog for a couple of months. I was trying to think of something to write, but life has been busy and I was spending a lot of time preparing for ... weight-loss surgery. I am at the end of my rope about my weight. If I had put as much time, thought and emotional energy into studying as I've put into losing weight (or not), feeling bad about it, etc., I probably could have cured cancer by now.

But I haven't cured cancer and I haven't managed to keep my body at a healthy weight. According to the charts I've seen, I should weigh between 120-140. I have never been in that weight range in my adult life, nor in my teens that I can recall. My lowest adult weight was 165, when I was 26 years old, taking diet pills and running regularly. I am now 266.

So my plan is to have Lap-Band surgery. I talked to my ob/gyn about this at my last appointment and she was really supportive. I'm in the process of jumping through all kinds of hoops to get approved by my insurance company, but if I don't get approved I will pay for the surgery myself. I've spent A LOT of time over the last two months reading, researching, talking to people, meeting with doctors and thinking, thinking, thinking about this. It isn't going to be a cure-all, but I do think it's time for drastic measures. I am 36 years old and I feel like I'm 50.

I watched a bunch of Joy Luck Club segments from the Today show on msnbc.com, about women who've lost a lot of weight. Their stories are familiar, and inspiring.

As I wait to schedule my surgery, I am going to change two really problematic behaviors:

1. No more fast food. It's an easy crutch, and it's soooo many calories in one meal. I gave it up during a pregnancy and after the first couple of weeks it was effortless. I hope it'll be the same this time.

2. No more solo restaurant lunches. This is my primary way of comforting myself - I go out to eat, bring a book or magazine and have lunch alone. These lunches are, I'm sure, a big part of my problem.

I also will be adding more vegetables and fruits into my diet.

We'll see what effect these changes have. I'm not expecting major weight loss but this is a start.

The workouts are going well, although it's disheartening that I have to wear the same maternity stretch pants to the gym every time. And they aren't even loose. MATERNITY PANTS ARE NOT LOOSE AND I AM NO LONGER PREGNANT.

Thinking positive, thinking positive... on the good news front, I've been to two birthday parties lately and didn't have cake at either of them. To be perfectly honest, it was more of a circumstantial victory than a self-control victory in both cases. But hey, I'll take it.

I'm planning meals this week and cooking more, adding more vegetables through salads and soups. The scale hasn't budged, but I think bloating may be the culprit. We'll see in a few days, I guess.