Frustrated.

My band and I aren't getting along. I can't figure out if it's too tight or not tight enough or if I'm just expecting too much, but I'm frustrated.

At my last doctor visit, I told my surgeon I was frustrated. My weight loss has been stalled for at least a couple of months now, and I'm tired of trying to figure out how much fill gets me into the 'green zone.' The variance in how much restriction a particular fill level gives me on one day vs. another just serves to complicate matters further. Dr. M said, "You're right on schedule, for both the stall and the frustration." Which made me feel better; it was good to hear that a lot of his patients hit a rough patch at this point and I'm not alone in this.

I know some of you can't eat solids until the afternoon, but I've always found that difficult to get used to. I need something solid in the morning, and for most of the 10 months since my surgery that's been a Zone bar. It's fast, easy, tastes good, and has lots of protein. I start my day with a cup of hot tea, and then have my bar an hour or so later. I'm having trouble with my mid-morning Zone bar, and that bothers me.

I made chicken salad with Greek yogurt and grapes yesterday, and even though I put it through the food processor and added lots of yogurt so it would be really moist, I can only have a couple of bites. Problem: I'm still hungry. It's not a mental, I still want to eat thing. I'm actually still hungry.

I've been having lots of black bean soup, which is high in protein and fiber (and giving me all kinds of gas, isn't that lovely). Last night I had a little chicken salad, a steamed artichoke (more fiber! and gas!) and a few breadsticks (the Italian style kind, really long and thin and crunchy).

This morning I had my tea and a Starbucks orange mango smoothie (260 cal., 2g fat, 15g protein, 5g fiber). I was able to drink it, but s-l-o-w-l-y.

I haven't had a meaningful weight loss since early September, and that was really because I was dehydrated and then I got an unfill and gained a few pounds back. I weighed 206 this morning. I also weighed 206 on September 9th. It's been bouncing around a couple of pounds since then, which is all the more frustrating because I've been eating decently, not relying on sliders.

Grrrr.

I Ran! (But Only Because I Couldn't Binge.)

My band is a bit tighter the last couple of days, not too tight but enough to really force me to slow down when I'm eating. I can still eat the good stuff (solid protein), and I'm not heading off to snarf ice cream, so I don't think I'm too tight.

Yesterday morning I was really upset, like crying upset. My first instinct was to go to a restaurant for a solo lunch, which I often did preband but haven't done nearly as much in the last 10 months. Because it's not so much fun when you can hardly eat anything you've ordered. On the way to the restaurant, I had a mental argument with myself. I knew that what I really should do was go home, have a light lunch and then go for a walk or jog to help me feel better.

Buuuut the lunch won out. After I'd eaten about five bites of the spinach dip I ordered, I was completely full. No way anything else was going down, and in fact I was uncomfortable. I asked for a container to take the rest home.

You guys, I was so pissed. It's not healthy to indulge emotional eating, and I know that (and I do realize that's the entire point of the band), but by God it really can be soothing when you need it.

This wasn't the first post-surgery hankering for emotional eating, and I know it won't be the last. But once I got over being pissed that my usual go-to mechanism wasn't going to work, I was so relieved that I didn't have to feel guilty for overeating again, for hoovering a jillion calories in one sitting and being sick to my stomach for the rest of the day.

At home I pulled it together enough to throw away the leftovers. This morning I went for a 30-minute walk/run; it's been forever since I did that, and I really need to get started if I'm going to shoot for this half-marathon on March 20. I did day 1 of the Couch to 5K workout, and my legs were fatigued embarrassingly early. I attribute that to the hills in my neighborhood, but it's probably just because I have the fitness level of a gnat right now. You gotta start somewhere, right?

Just a Quickie

My band was crazy tight today, although thank the good Lord I figured that out before things could get out of hand. It's a hormonal thang, I knew to expect it. Had soup for lunch, an artichoke, olives and brie (for a change) at dinnertime.

I spent most of the day cooking - cream of mushroom soup and beef bourguignon (that was for another family, I'm not eating it). It's funny, on days I do a lot of cooking, I eat very little. Maybe I should look into a career in the culinary arts...

Marathon Sunday

Today is New York City's most exciting and fun day of the year: Marathon Sunday. If you've ever wanted to experience New York at its best, spend a day cheering for runners through all five boroughs of the city.

When I moved to New York in 1999, I lived half a block from the marathon course. The morning of the marathon I grabbed a bagel and walked down the street into a giant party. Bands played, the crowd lining First Avenue was five people deep, people blared music from their fire escapes and hosted marathon parties on their terraces. It was exhilarating, and I wasn't even running! I stood for a couple hours and cheered myself hoarse, yelling for the runners and clapping till my hands went numb. It was completely awesome, and I think it was the first time I ever realized why people love New York so much.

I knew how important the cheering section was to the runners because I had run my first (and, to date, only) marathon just a week before, in Washington, DC. Here I am with my mom at the finish of the Marine Corps Marathon:


I was slow (finish time: 5:45) but I was so proud of myself for actually finishing a marathon, for keeping my body moving for 26.2 miles. I was at my skinniest adult weight, 162 or 164 can you believe I can't remember exactly? And I was about to pile it all back on as I scaled back my running and kept up my eating.

I actually enjoyed running the marathon, and I tried another one a year or so later but dropped out at mile 7 because I'd done a terrible job training. (Life lesson: Prepare or die.)

I've never run New York, and I'm told it's a tough course with a lot of hills. My father-in-law has run the last seven or eight NYC marathons, and we usually go in to meet him at the finish line. For the most part, you can't meet a friend at the finish line, but he takes so long (seven and a half or eight hours) that the police usually let us take the kids to see Grandpa's big finish.

I haven't run consistently in years but lately it's been popping back into my head now and again. I looked online, and the NYC Half Marathon is March 20, 2011, which would give me more than four months to train for 13.1 miles. I'm sure I can do that.

As far as I can tell there's a lottery system for entries, but I will probably sign up with Team in Training. I've done a couple other events with them, and their coaching is good, plus it's a big support source for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.

Who wants to join me?

PS It's Weigh-In Day for the first week of the Holiday Challenge. Don't forget to send your weight info!

A Little Shopping

Hellllo blogworld! I got a haircut yesterday, and since I *rarely* blow my hair dry, I'm going to post a photo from last night.Which was taken in a bathroom with really harsh lighting. Sigh. Aging is so sad.

Anyway, the hair:

This morning I did a little shopping with the munchkin. Not as much as I would have liked, but those 17-month-olds do what they want, ya know?

My winter jacket from last year is wayyyy too big. I have a nice black dress coat circa 2007 that fits well now, but I needed a warm winter jacket. So I found a really pretty pearly-white one today. A regular XL! Plus, it's cozy. Win-win. (The hair didn't hold up so well, but I enjoyed it while it lasted.)

I also tried on a 16W purple velvet blazer (prettier in person than it sounds in writing), which was too big. Then I tried the 14W. Guess what, blog friends? Also kind of loose. Exciting.

Then I pushed my luck and tried a size 14P Calvin Klein skirt. HA. That was a reminder of the work ahead.

This latest fill, just a smidge (0.1 cc's to be exact), seems to be working nicely. I do feel more restriction and I've been looking for food less frequently. Plus, the scale is slowly moving down again, which is a nice change and a sign of good things to come.

Before I had my band surgery, I was obsessed with what I wouldn't be able to eat anymore. I asked everyone and got a wide range of answers. What I didn't realize was that what you can or can't eat is entirely dependent on how much fluid you have in your band. That seems pretty obvious now, but for some reason it didn't occur to me for a while. At 5+ cc's, I can't really eat pasta. Maybe one bite, but for the most part I don't care enough to try it. Sometimes I surprise myself, though. Even where I am now, at 5.6 cc's, I had a small portion of butternut squash risotto for dinner the other night. I added extra chicken stock to my portion so it would be soupier. It was delicious, I didn't "miss out" on anything and my band did its job by keeping my portion in check.

However.

The one thing that I don't think will work at all with my band is anything doughy. I haven't tried, because the misery of sliming and throwing up isn't worth the risk for me. But I know that I will likely never eat another Philadelphia soft pretzel. Or those doughy cinnamon buns with frosting.

For the most part, I really don't miss it. Once in a while I may have a three-second pity party, but then I glance in a mirror and recover pretty quickly.

We have a couple of dinners planned in New York City this month (both with the Hubs' colleagues), and I'm not too worried about having any problems.

If my restriction stays consistent (I know, that's the tricky part) then I think I'll be able to enjoy my meals without fear of ralphing in front of a bathroom attendant. One of the dinners is at Per Se, which is supposed to be over-the-top delicious. Per Se is famous for its amazing brioche. Ain't no way that will go down, so that's a teeny bit sad. I predict I'll get over it.

But, yummm, doesn't that look like some buttery deliciousness?

Just a Smidge, Please

I had my fill appointment this afternoon, and my surgeon was great. You never know with this guy. I was so dreading going in there, and my weight was a half pound higher than a month ago. That wasn't a surprise, though.

My doctor asked lots of questions, listened to what I had to say and ended up giving me the smidge of a fill I asked him for. I went from 5.5 cc's to 5.6 cc's now. Let's see how it goes...

Holiday Challenge - I'm in!

I've essentially stayed at the same weight for a few months now. It's getting old. It's my own fault. We've been through this.

I've gotten discouraged lately, and even started slipping into my pre-surgery negative thinking. One of the greatest things about this surgery is that my mind has felt so freeee of the constant berating I was doing to myself, so I'm unsettled by this new development.

Tomorrow I see my surgeon. For some reason, he feels that fills should go in 0.25cc increments or more. Never less. I'm at 5.5 cc's and the last two times I went up to 5.75 ccs I was too tight.

The Hubs tells me I should go in and ask the doctor to give me a 0.1 cc fill to put me at 5.6 ccs. I am going to ask. Wish me luck. I'm dreading going back because I'm doing shittily on this whole thing and I tend to get a lecture every time. Sigh.

Lucky for me, Kristen has fabulously agreed to host another challenge. And I'm in!

Hostessing

A year ago this month, I took a cold, hard look at myself and realized I was going nowhere fast with weight loss. My weight had gotten completely out of control; at 266 pounds I was sore, tired, ashamed and grumpy most of the time. My joints ached, I was impatient with my children and husband, mortified to be around people and furious with myself for being unable to pull my act together.

I went to seminars at three different hospitals and made up my mind to get a Lap-Band. In the almost 10 months since my surgery, I've had highs and lows. I'm currently stalled in my weight loss.

But the benefits of the band, and of my thinner, healthier and much more comfortable body, continue to show themselves.

Since June, I've hosted three big, nonfamily parties at my house: One for the incoming families at my kids' preschool, one for our friends and one (last night) for our neighbors. The preschool and neighbor parties involved meeting and talking to A LOT of people I had never met before.

We do the friend party every year, so that's a given. But this year I wasn't mortified to see our friends, which was a nice change!

I know for sure that I never would have had the nerve to host the other events. In fact, last year we had several new families move to our street and I thought about having a block party but immediately pushed the thought out of my mind because I knew it would be too embarrassing to meet everyone when I was so fat.

This year I outweighed every woman at the party by at least 50 pounds, but I still felt good, and confident, and happy to meet new people and talk to our neighbors and make new friends.

That's an awesome NSV, isn't it?

'Good Enough' Syndrome

I see that many of us in blogland are struggling or feeling stuck on the scale, and Lord knows I'm in the same place. I'd blame it on the weather, except Cara's got the same thing going on and her seasons are the opposite of ours.

I think the real reason for my own sluggishness, laziness and overall lack of attention to what I'm eating is a result of 'good enough' syndrome. I've lost 60+ pounds, and while I'm nowhere near thin, I feel normal-ish. What I've lost is good enough to feel not so bad. Joey has something similar going on.

My feet and knees don't ache when I walk. I don't struggle to stand up. I can run up and down the stairs with laundry baskets and babies without being out of breath. I don't shop exclusively at fat-girl stores, although I'm not entirely at regular stores either.

Life is busy so it's easy to put my attention and effort elsewhere - into my children, their schools, my marriage, the house... whatever.

I know this isn't really good enough, though. I'm not at a healthy weight. I don't want to stop here. The journey continues.

PS No regular sugary Cokes since last week. WOOT.

Is This Thing On?

I don't like to point fingers, but someone isn't working her band. Someone is eating more than is strictly necessary, and not particularly healthy stuff. Someone has re-developed a Coke habit. Regular, sugary Coke.

Consequently, someone has gained a few pounds over the last week. Like six. 209 this morning, my friends. That's ugly.

Some of it was stress eating, some of it was being on vacation for a few days. All of it is my fault. So here I am, being accountable and whatnot.

Onward and downward.