Thanks for Talking Me Off the Ledge

Wow, you guys really know how to reassure a girl. Thanks for all your kind replies to my depressive post yesterday.

After I wrote the post, I felt a lot better. I made pretty good food choices, and last night the Hubs and I went to my favorite restaurant in town. The food is delicious every single time, the by-the-glass wine list is really good (Hubs doesn't drink so I only order by the glass) and the service is warm and friendly without being overbearing.

I've been wanting to go back but nervous because it's Italian. I had a great meal - shared a tomato and mozzarella salad with the Hubs (I had one slice of each) and had branzino, which is a light, moist flaky white fish. It's p-p-perfect for bands. It was served with steamed broccoli, cherry tomatoes and a small portion of scalloped cheesy potatoes. I had one tiny bite of potatoes, some tomatoes, a couple pieces of broccoli and about half the fish. With some wine, of course. And it was all delicious.

Then we saw Up in the Air. How can a day that includes two hours of staring at George Clooney be bad?
He's awesome. And so are all of you.

NSV and Miscellaneous

* I'm claiming V I C T O R Y over McDonald's, at least for today. We were out all morning at various doctors' appointments and my 4-year-old got hungry. I walked with him to McD's and got him some chicken nuggets but nothing for me. That's big for me. I came home and had some turkey and cheese roll-ups and half an avocado. I'm full, too. Yay me.

* Scale was up to 238 today. FIngers are really swollen, but I'm drinking water. I veer between eating well and then blowing it on chocolate or sweets.

* I have a sinus infection and just started antibiotics but in the meantime my head feels like it's going to explode and I can't breathe out of my nose, which is a big pet peeve of mine. I really, intensely dislike mouth breathing. (How's that for a petty whine?)

* I've been Negative Nelly lately, my mind is just full of 'see, this isn't working, you don't even have self control after this surgery, now what the hell are you going to do?' I'm at a low point emotionally, really struggling.

I guess that covers it.

Friday Night Quickie

Just popping in to say a quick hi to everyone. Thanks so much to those who've nominated me for the Beautiful Blogger awards - these are fun, I'm having a great time learning things about all of you!

Sometime in the next couple of days I'll do the Beautiful Blogger thing, which should be around the time it's dying out. That's pretty much on target with when I usually catch up with trends.

Happy Friday!

PS Ohhhh, when will I not be hungry anymore? When is March 1st again??

The First Time I Felt Fat

When I was in second grade, I had my First Holy Communion, which was notable in my mind because I got to wear an elegant white dress and a veil. Just like a bride.

In the weeks leading up to my communion, as the nuns tried to impress the importance of the Holy Eucharist on a bunch of uninterested 7-year-olds, I couldn't stop thinking of that veil and how beautiful I was going to be when I wore it.

On the big day I felt like a princess. I swiveled my head this way and that to show off my veil all day long.

A few weeks later the photos came back from the developer, and I ripped open the envelope to see myself in all my veiled glory. What I saw was devastatingly disappointing. I looked SO FAT. I had a double chin, and in one picture my belly looked huge. The depth of my disappointment is difficult to convey - I had felt so beautiful, and when I saw the pictures I realized I looked terrible the whole time.

I wish I could see those photos now - they're at my parents' house in Pennsylvania, and said parents are in Florida for the winter. I'm guessing I didn't look nearly as bad as I felt. I might have been on the chubbier side, but I didn't have a real weight problem until I was in my late teens.

Looking back, I think that was the first time I ever felt fat.

**In lieu of the first communion photo, a photo of me as an actual bride in 2001. With a veil. That's my mom, who weighs about 106 pounds dripping wet. (The quality isn't great because it's scanned.)

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For some reason I ate all day today. To offset this constant grazing, I made a point of choosing healthier options. I had lots of raw veggies along with less-healthy fare. I took my oldest son out for dinner after swim practice and I ordered a chicken quesadilla. Luckily, there was almost no cheese in it. I ate half and pushed the rest away. I was proud of myself for that - it wasn't easy and I would have been happy to keep going.

Tomorrow I'm taking the boys to the USS Intrepid Sea, Air & Space Museum, which is on an aircraft carrier in New York City. I think I'm more excited than they are.

Be well!

**No real reason for posting this one. I just like it.

Freudian Math, and Foot Pain

First I would like to thank those of you who saw my math error in yesterday's post but were too polite to tell me I'm an idiot. I realized later that if I weighed 233.5 and wanted to get down to 225, I would not actually have to lose 12 pounds. I made the correction in the post.

(I spent 12 years in Catholic school, which means I have excellent handwriting but I can't do math.)

However, it must have been a Freudian slip because I got on the scale this morning and, as Catherine put it, BOINNNNNGGGGG. I'm up to 237, which would leave me with 12 pounds to lose if I want to get to 225 by March 12. Not happy about this.

I did pretty well yesterday with eating, and again today I've done well. I hired a professional organizer to help me dig through some of the mess in our house and we spent six hours packing, organizing and getting things in tip-top shape. She's awesome and I have her come once or twice a year to help me cull through the toys, kids' clothes and other stuff that seems to accumulate at alarming rates. Anyway, my point is I was too busy today to snack or have an extended lunch.

Back to weight loss, or lack thereof. I'm having a hard time getting exercise going. Part of it is laziness but a big part of it is that I have serious pain in my right foot. It started out as plantar fasciitis and then I started favoring different parts of my foot by standing differently and now I have pain all over. I've been to an orthopedist who told me to take Advil for two weeks (this was pre-band) and ice my foot regularly. That was in September and I guess I need to go back and let her know I'm still having a lot of pain and it's keeping me from exercising.

I **could** swim. We belong to the Y, and they have a brand-new Olympic size pool that is just gorgeous. But I just cannot go there in a bathing suit yet. Really, I can't.

You know what's killing me? The people across the street from us have an amazing indoor swimming pool. How often could they possibly use that thing? Wonder if I could sneak in...

We'll open our pool in mid-May and I can do laps then. But I'd love to get this foot issue squared away, it's really affecting my ability to move. Ugh, this is ridiculous. I'm 37 and I feel like I'm 85. SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF FOR LETTING THINGS GET THIS BAD WITH MY WEIGHT.

Kick in the Pants

So last night after reading all of your replies to my Too Fat to Fly post (thank you for the reassurances!), I decided this is just what I need to set a mini-goal. I've been kind of floundering lately, not really focused on any particular goal, just going along and hoping my restriction is enough to keep me from doing real damage. Not ideal for good, consistent weight loss.

Today is Feb. 16th. We leave for Utah on March 12. My mini-goal is to weigh 225 the day we leave. That's aggressive, I have probably 9 pounds to lose in less than a month. If I don't get right there, then I hope to be close.

The Plan:

* Work whatever restriction I have. Eat fish, turkey chili, substantial foods that will fill me up with relatively few calories.
* Avoid wine, even on weekends (current rule has been wine only on weekends.)
* No drinking with meals. At all. Ever.
* Exercise. I've done little exercise thus far, so there's lots of room for improvement here.
* Drink lots of water.
* Drink decaffeinated tea at night to avoid snacking. Thanks to Barbara for that tip, it did help last night.

I have my second fill on March 1st and I'll ask for 2 cc's then (I have 4 now).

Wish me luck!

Too Fat to Fly?

OK, so I've heard about airlines cracking down on overweight passengers and now my fear is at a higher level because of this story.

I haven't flown since last winter because I was at the end of my pregnancy and then was doing the newborn thing. But I'm **really** nervous about an upcoming trip in March. Right now I weigh 233.5. I'm sure I've flown a little heavier than that and not gotten kicked off. I can probably lose another 8-9 pounds before the March trip. Anyone here flown at 225 and had any problems?

I'm going with my husband's entire family and our two older children. I will die a thousand deaths if I get kicked off the plane for being too fat in front of all of them.

The Fill Works - But Not Quite Enough

The good news is, I do seem to stay full longer with this 4 cc fill. Food actually leaves my mind for a while after I eat! Crazy.

The bad news is, I was still able to eat a pretty big dinner last night at a restaurant.

(This Valentine dinner was a preplanned girls' night out - our husbands were on childcare duty. The three of us were the only non-couple table in the entire restaurant.)

Anyway, I was able to eat one roasted (moist) shrimp, two medium-size scallops and a pretty decent size piece of sea bass with quinoa and sweet pea risotto. Oh, um, and flourless chocolate cake with a small scoop of raspberry sorbet.

Good news: I put my fork down after every bite, concentrated on talking rather than eating. Bad news: I drank water (and a glass of sangria - yum) with dinner, which I never do normally.

I don't actually feel terribly guilty about any of this, so this isn't a 'confession,' really. I've done well since the fill last week and the scale is moving in the right direction and I know I will continue to make good choices. But I do think my ability to eat that much at dinner means I'll be ready for another fill when I go back to my surgeon on March 2nd.

Mysteries of the Scale

I stepped on the scale this morning and it said I lost three pounds?! I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm delighted. It's kind of funny, though, how I blame any overnight gain on water retention, but never attribute crazy losses to dehydration.

Whatever. I'm counting it.

(I'm actually logging a 2.5 pound loss, because I stepped on and off the scale about 17 times and at the end it was consistently showing a 2.5 pound loss rather than three pounds. )

THIRTY (30) POUNDS!

FINALLY! The fill (and post-fill liquid diet) put me over the edge and I dropped the half pound I've been holding onto for the last 11 days. So 30 pounds down since my first surgical consult in October, and 17 pounds down since my surgery on Jan. 4th. YAY!!

On the band front, so far the fill is fine but it's hard to tell since I'm only on liquids. The real test will be Sunday when I go back to solids.

I have to take my baby for her 9-month checkup this morning, which means: shots. I swear they're worse for me than they are for her, though you'd never know it to hear her scream. The worst part is when she looks at me like, "How could you let them do this to me?" Such a sense of betrayal.

I realize that sounds dramatic, and before I had kids when I heard people say things like that I thought they were completely ridiculous. Now I am that ridiculous person.

Have a great weekend and Happy Valentine's Day to the Sisterhood! I heart you all.