Big Decisions

I ditched the blog for a couple of months. I was trying to think of something to write, but life has been busy and I was spending a lot of time preparing for ... weight-loss surgery. I am at the end of my rope about my weight. If I had put as much time, thought and emotional energy into studying as I've put into losing weight (or not), feeling bad about it, etc., I probably could have cured cancer by now.

But I haven't cured cancer and I haven't managed to keep my body at a healthy weight. According to the charts I've seen, I should weigh between 120-140. I have never been in that weight range in my adult life, nor in my teens that I can recall. My lowest adult weight was 165, when I was 26 years old, taking diet pills and running regularly. I am now 266.

So my plan is to have Lap-Band surgery. I talked to my ob/gyn about this at my last appointment and she was really supportive. I'm in the process of jumping through all kinds of hoops to get approved by my insurance company, but if I don't get approved I will pay for the surgery myself. I've spent A LOT of time over the last two months reading, researching, talking to people, meeting with doctors and thinking, thinking, thinking about this. It isn't going to be a cure-all, but I do think it's time for drastic measures. I am 36 years old and I feel like I'm 50.

I watched a bunch of Joy Luck Club segments from the Today show on msnbc.com, about women who've lost a lot of weight. Their stories are familiar, and inspiring.

As I wait to schedule my surgery, I am going to change two really problematic behaviors:

1. No more fast food. It's an easy crutch, and it's soooo many calories in one meal. I gave it up during a pregnancy and after the first couple of weeks it was effortless. I hope it'll be the same this time.

2. No more solo restaurant lunches. This is my primary way of comforting myself - I go out to eat, bring a book or magazine and have lunch alone. These lunches are, I'm sure, a big part of my problem.

I also will be adding more vegetables and fruits into my diet.

We'll see what effect these changes have. I'm not expecting major weight loss but this is a start.

The workouts are going well, although it's disheartening that I have to wear the same maternity stretch pants to the gym every time. And they aren't even loose. MATERNITY PANTS ARE NOT LOOSE AND I AM NO LONGER PREGNANT.

Thinking positive, thinking positive... on the good news front, I've been to two birthday parties lately and didn't have cake at either of them. To be perfectly honest, it was more of a circumstantial victory than a self-control victory in both cases. But hey, I'll take it.

I'm planning meals this week and cooking more, adding more vegetables through salads and soups. The scale hasn't budged, but I think bloating may be the culprit. We'll see in a few days, I guess.

Reasons to be strong and healthy

The first trip back to the gym coincided with my son's first day of first grade. Lots of new beginnings around here. I was apprehensive about going back to the gym, but my trainer greeted me so warmly I immediately felt happy to be back on the path to good health. I'm going twice this week, twice next week and some walking added in. Then I'll step it up to three or four days a week.

My weight hasn't changed - I still weigh 260. But I do feel like I'm on my way, making progress in small ways.

Curbing my eating is incredibly difficult for me. I am taking little steps -- no wine on weeknights, cutting wayyyy back on fast food (aiming to avoid it altogether), buying lots of vegetables and fruit. I found a case of Progresso vegetable soups at Costco today that said 0 Weight Watchers points. That'll help fill out portions that seem small to me. For some reason, I'm just not ready to join Weight Watchers and really commit to the food part. I'll get there, just not yet.

At the same time, I often find myself thinking of the many, many reasons to lose weight. There was the woman on the Today show a couple weeks ago who had a heart attack at 32. And that was after she'd already lost 80 pounds. I worry about situations in which my children would need me to carry them to safety or run with them - I wouldn't last very long.

Of the people who've died of swine flu, many had what health officials called "underlying conditions" that put them in greater jeopardy from the virus. One of those underlying conditions appears to be obesity. I can't imagine dying from being fat, and leaving my children motherless because I can't stop eating.

Back to the gym

I made a tentative step toward more regular exercise last week, with lots of walks during my beach vacation. It felt great to be out there again, moving purposefully. I walked at least 45 minutes most days, and 90 minutes on one particularly busy day.

This week I go back to the gym, working with a trainer. I went a couple of years ago and got into great shape before a family wedding, so I'm kind of mortified to go back now so many pounds heavier. But I need to just suck it up and go.

The eating hasn't been so good. The vacation food was plentiful and calorific. Now I'm trying to have more salads and fewer sandwiches, and add more vegetables and fruits.

That's it for now. Kind of a boring post.

10 years, 3 kids, 100 pounds

It's been nearly 10 years since I met my husband. It was the most exciting time of my life. I was 26, had just run my first (and only, to date) marathon, landed a great job and moved to New York City. I radiated confidence, and had never felt better. For the first time ever, I was a man magnet. It was fun.

The last 10 years have been busy: date a little, gain a few pounds, work some, move in together, gain a few more pounds, get engaged, buy a house, lose a few pounds, get married, get pregnant, gain a lot of pounds, have a baby, lose some pounds but then gain a whole lot while breastfeeding, lose some more, exercise exercise exercise, do a few triathlons to get in shape for second baby, get pregnant again, gain fewer pounds than first time, have baby, lose some but gain again during breastfeeding, exercise exercise exercise, diet pills, get in great shape, stop diet pills, get pregnant, have miscarriage, gain, keep trying to get pregnant, gain, get pregnant, lose a few during first trimester, gain less than with either pregnancy but still end up huge, have baby (a girl, yay!), lose a bunch, gain it all back while breastfeeding.

(I have read so many times about women who lose weight without ever trying, from all the calories they burn while breastfeeding. Not me. I've consistently gained weight every time. Bummer.)

That's pretty much where I am now. The scale this morning read 260. That's 96 pounds more than when I met my husband. He's a good man and he loves me, but that's a big change and I feel like I sold the guy a bill of goods. He thought he was marrying a slightly pudgy, vivacious blonde. Today he's got a fat, tired wife who's always exhausted and irritated by the time he gets home from work.

I'd like to continue nursing my daughter until November, when she's six months old. I feel like I owe it to her, and I enjoy the quiet time together. But I also feel like I'm in limbo until November.

And here we go!

I wonder if I'm the jillionth person to start a blog. If I am, do I win a prize?

Anyway, I'm procrastinating. Because the reason I wanted to start a blog is really so it can act as a journal that will help me lose weight. It's not a small amount, how much weight I have to lose. I need to bring in the big guns. I keep reading that "journaling" will help me discover why I overeat and thus also help me get thinner and healthier. I have tried and failed to consistently write in a notebook or keep a file on my hard drive. Maybe this time I'll stick with it (sound familiar, dieters?).

So, the basics: I'm Kristin, 36 years old. I live in the northeast, am married and stay home with my children.

The children: 7 year old son, 4 year old son, 3 month old daughter. They are darling and maddening and healthy kids who have a fat, perpetually tired, grumpy mother. So not fair for them.

Thus, here I am, thinking (typing) out loud. Hoping that maybe this will help me to transform myself into the mother my kids deserve, the wife my husband deserves, the person I believe myself to be.